anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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