3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
