true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
