just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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