so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
