Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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