why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you had me at cake vodka
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Randomize
