There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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