And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
