I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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