I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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