Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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