just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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