now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
