The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
