yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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