last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
