I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
