life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
