I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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