first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
A+ Viking dick
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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