If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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