He uses pillows to masturbate.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
