I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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