I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize