I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
