Soap is not a condiment
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
