I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
