I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
