At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
