i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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