I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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