I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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