I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
