I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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