just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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