is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
