end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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