apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
