Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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