Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
