I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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