one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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