I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
