so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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