I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize