tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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