I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
