We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize