Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
