Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
