I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
