Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
