Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
