Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
