He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize