Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
