I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
