I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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