I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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